Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Pirate Spokesman

So I was just reading this article and it made me think some things: "3 Pirates Believed Dead in Shootout."  The first thing that struck me was "three pirates are believed dead, a U.S. defense official said Tuesday. The pirates denied the report."  Since when do pirates talk to the press?  Then, I stumbled upon a potential line of work that I had never even known was a possibility before: "But the pirate spokesman insisted the report was not true."  Pirate spokesman?  How do you think they found this guy?  Craigslist?  "Do you have good communication skills, a nack for conveying the ideas of a group as a whole, and are you ok with rape, pillage and murder?"  Maybe they were sitting around  and somebody was like "Didn't Cappin' Grey Bread's cousin Phil just get a communication's degree from that online college?  Yarrg, He'd be perrrrfect."  Or maybe they promoted from with in, maybe one day the captain said "Yaarrrg, Peg Leg Pete, you never shut up, so you are going to be our new pirate spokesman, says I."  Being a pirate spokesman would probably be a pretty cool job cause you probably wouldn't have to  swash buckle as much as the other guys, but I bet you would still get a pretty good share of the booty and the pirate hookers.  If I could be a spy or a pirate spokesman I think I would still go for spy cause the chicks that you would land as a spy are definitely was hotter than the dirty pirate hookers you would bang as a pirate spokesman.  Also, sometimes I get sea sick.  

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Tropic Thunder

Oh man, have you guys seen this movie Tropic Thunder?  Holy crap is that shit funny.  I cried a couple times cause I was laughing so hard.  That Robert Downey Jr really tears shit up.  And can Tom Cruise do funny?  Oh shit yeah Tom Cruise can do funny.  He is funny as fuck.  What an amazing actor!  He can act so good that if they made a movie called "Tom Cruise is God" and Tom Cruise played the part of Tom Cruise as God, Tom Cruise would actually become God in real fucking life!  All hail Tom Cruise, our new benevolent over lord!


Dear Tom Cruise,
Hey man, whats up?  So I wrote some shit about you a few days back, yeah you probably remeber, and yeah, it was kinda mean.  See, I totally forgot about how hard you rocked in Tropic Thunder, that shit was mint.  So anyway, sorry and all, and I think your wife has real sweet boobs.
Your friend till the end,
Tyler Howard Brown

Friday, September 19, 2008

Fuck You, Tom Cruise.

I think Tom Cruise is a real douche. And its too bad cause Katie Holmes is really cute and Top Gun was a sweet movie, but they are now both tainted by Tom Cruises's douchery. Do you think he sucked so bad when he was a little kid? Do you think his mom ever watched him playing in the playground, forcing the other kids to watch him go down the slide or some shit, and thought, "wow, my little boy Tom is a real douche." I bet she must have really regretted growing him in utero for nine months on that day. Do you guys think that TC realizes that he is, in fact, a total douche, or do you think he just walks around saying "god, I am so fucking cool, everybody loves me and I am so totally not a douche." Remember that movie called "The Gift" where Katie Holmes showed her boobs? That part of that movie was really cool cause I had never seen Katie Holmes's boobs before and they looked pretty sweet.
If I was an actress, I would totally show my boobs in the first movie I was in cause then if I had to show them in some other movie, it wouldn't be that big a deal cause people would have already know what they look like. Also, then when I had a boring scene in a movie people could just think back and picture in their minds how my boobs looked. That would probably totally save that movie from sucking.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Shot Vs. Stabbed

I think I would rather get shot than stabbed. Don't get me wrong, getting shot has got to really suck, but there is something about the thought of getting stabbed that really freaks me out. And it also takes a lot more commitment on the part of the stabber. I mean, any punk-ass bitch can pull a trigger, but to stab somebody, you really gotta go for it. And then, if you really like your knife, you gotta pull it back out. I bet when those guys in prison stab each other with a shiv they just leave it in the dude since they can just fashion another one out of like a bar of soap or some shit. I like the phrase "to shank someone with a shiv." "Shank" can be either a noun or a verb, while "shiv" is only an object. Aww, poor shiv.
There was this one time when I was in my buddy Brendan Bloom's old VW bus and we stopped for gas and as I was getting out, I cut my finger on a piece of broken glass and I stuck my finger in my mouth to stop the bleeding. I remember taking it out to look at the cut and next thing I know I'm lying on my back with Bloom-dog over me about to give me CPR or some shit. Apparently I dropped like a ton of bricks from a standing position and hit my head on the pavement. Bloomers said I was all fishing out on the ground and he thought I was dying. Brendan's a real "can-do" kinda guy (and we love him for it), so I'm pretty sure I was about 5 seconds away from my first man-on-man kiss, which woulda sucked cause I wasn't dying, I just cant take seeing my own blood sometimes. I just pass the fuck out. Its happened on several other occasions, most notably:
At the doctor's office while getting one of those finger prick blood tests, and one time in my kitchen from a half inch paper cut on my finger. I would make a horrible cutter.
Maybe that's why I fear a good stabbing, because of the bleeding. I'm pretty sure you bleed pretty bad when you get shot too, though. I also think "I'm gonna stab you" is just such a great threat if you really want to make people think your crazy.
Speaking of which, in the "Beat It" video when those two dudes are having that tied together knife-fight-dance-thingy, why don't they just go for the other guys arm that's already tied to them? Do you think they discussed the rules before hand and agreed that was illegal? That would be my move, go for the arm your already attached too because lets face it, when your a knife-fight-dancer, the first one to bleed looses. I would probably pass out either way, though.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A letter to Hova

Dear Jay-Z,
You're really awesome, but I bet you know that already.  You're better at rapping than any other rapper who is still living.  Your flow sounds as cutting edge now as it did in the 90's and probably will into the future.  You have lots of money.  You have great style and always dress well.  You have lots of awesome cars.  You used to sell lots of crack and you were really good at that too, which is pretty cool.  You hate the police cause they don't care how rich you are, they just arrest you cause your african-american, which isn't cool, but god I hate cops too, why do they have to be such dicks 
all the time.  That shit's lame.  You have slept with lots of hot women, who you mostly have little respect for, and have now settled down with Beyonce fucking Knowles, which is rad cause she is rich and hot too.  I know all this stuff because thats what all of your songs are about and thats awesome.  Just bounce.
You know, I too am a song writer.  My rapping flow sucks though, so I just sing my songs and play guitar.  Clearly I'm not as awesome as you, but I think I'm doing alright (that's "aayyiiite") .  Maybe I should follow your example and tell people how awesome I am through the magic of lyrical verse.  I'm gonna have a go at it:




Hi everybody, my name is Tyler
Thats right, Ty for short
Some people call me Ty Ty and they're mostly chicks
Speaking of girls, yeah, I've had sex
With like 7 or 8 different chicks
but who's counting? 
yeah
They were all really hot,
Except this one, but I don't feel like talkin bout her, I was drunk.
What?
Thats right I drive a BMW
I bought it off my pops
He gave me a real good deal and its blue.
My Maxima, that he bought me too, is rustin in my drive way,
Think I'm gonna donate it.
Word.
When I was young I went to a private school,
Two in fact. uhh.
Then my parents paid for me to go to a state university
I smoked pot and drank beer and graduated with a 3.0
bitch.
Had sex with two girls there, too.  yeah.
Oh, did I mention I'm a sound engineer?
Yeah, I got a real good ear even though I got minor hearing loss.  I work from home.  uhh
Uhh. One time I totally blew having a three way, what?
I drink milk.
 How many you guys used to have a retainer? 
One time I lost mine at McDonald's, 
My moms searched through the trash cans all night till she found it, yeah.
I make money every week,
It pays my rent and sometimes I pay off my credit card debt,
Some of it at least, I eat pizza,
More than twice a week.
I wear t-shirts, and button up colla shirts too
Jeans and house pants, yeah I got cargos too.
I go to the gym on the daily,
cept when I'm all hung over, then I sleep till 4, what?  what?
oh yeah, I play guitar pretty good, electric and acoustic.
My hair is short,
But it used to be real long and I watched Phish with a pony tail.
I got a 40 inch plasm
screen that is. Thats where I hit my boom blox hard,
and rock with Nico Belic too!
Uhh uhh uhh uhh.
Maybe a little Rock Band, in 5.1, ho. 360, yo.
I love my moms and my pops and yeah, they're still married,
What?
I go home and swim all up in their pool.
They tell me they love me and I love 'em too, what?
I can't leave rock alone, this game needs me.
T to the breezey all up in your kneezes.
yeah. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Portokin

So I made up a sex act a little while back. Its called a portakin. See, you get a girl (probably have to be a prostitute for this one) and you take her into a porta potty and then she gives you a blow job while you take a dump. Pretty nasty, huh? Don't worry, I made it up, but I haven't tried it. I don't really think it would be all that enjoyable of a sex act. I mean, porta potties tend to be really hot and smell really bad too and I don't know about you, but I dont really like to have orgasms in really hot places that smell like poop.
So its probably pretty obvious, but incase you didn't grow up listening to Howard Stern, here's how I came up with this little number:

Porta Potty
+
Blumpkin
(aka BJ while you take a shit on the toilet)
=
Portakin!


Who's the dude who actually wants a blumpkin anyway? I mean yeah, taking a dump is satisfying and getting a good blowie is fun for the whole family, but I mean come on? I mean, I love Jack Daniel's and I love smooth and creamy peanut butter, but you don't see me in bars ordering whiskey creamies do you? No, you don't cause that would be fucking nasty. Right?
Oh, oh, oh!!! I also made up something else today and here it is:

WWJZD?

Thats right kids, what would Jay-Z do? Its the question you should ask yourself when ever you're faced with a tough decision or any fucking decision for that matter:

"Should I buy a pack of gum? hhhmmm....WWJZD?"

.......

"Shit yeah I'm gonna buy that gum, son! Fuck it, buy two packs. Fuck it, buy the whole fuckin lot. FUCK IT, I'm gonna buy Wrigley's and make my own fuckin gum, bitch!"
You see, what ever Jay-Z would do would be the most awesome thing that could be done, so really, what other choice is there. I'm making up some "WWJZD?" t-shirts and shit tomorrow, so if you want one, just send a twenty dollar bill to:

WWJZD? care of Tyler Brown
275A States st.
San Francisco, CA 94114

Please allow 3-6 weeks for delivery, motha fuckas!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Pastrami

What kind of an animal does pastrami come from?  Its color makes me think cow, but its texture and overwhelming goodness makes me think pig.  I think pastrami is a cured meat, but really only because its so salty.  Maybe it just comes from a saltier animal, and also I really don't know that much about the curing process.
So I was a vegetarian for like four years.  They say your supposed to feel better and healthier not eating meat, but I can tell you from experience, that's a total crock of shit.  I feel better than ever now that I'm back chasing the red dragon.  You see, the deal was, I stopped eating meat and my girlfriend stopped smoking.  Well, she quit for like a month and I road the vegi-train for four years because I was committed.  Being committed got me into the worst experience of my life last weekend.  I don't wanna beat around the bush here so I'll just come out and say it.
I touched poop.
And not my own, which I coulda probably dealt with, but a strangers.  You see, I was at Burning Man last friday night, tripping on two hits of e, when I decided that I needed to visit the porto potty.  So I get in one, lock the door, hang up my back pack, turn around and there on the seat sat a great big messy turd.  Now any normal person, at this point, would suit back up and move on to the next stall, but not me.  Oh no, I was COMMITTED to doing the right thing for the greater good, and wipe that seat clean.  To my horror, as I went for the second swipe at the great beast, the toilet  paper slipped and the first two fingers on my right hand came in direct contact with the fecal remnant of another human being.  

This was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life.  No amount of hand sanitizer can ever clean that kind of dirty from a man's soul.  I felt like I was covered in shit from head to toe.
Fearing that my final night of my first Burning Man experience had been irreparably soiled, I proceed to eat pill after pill until the pain had subsided and I was cross-eyed.  Also, the constant taunts from my comrades (things like, "hey poo-hand" and "well, at least you didnt touch any poop" and "hey man, I left something for you in the porto potty over there") really helped to lighten my mood.
So, the moral of the story: fuck being committed and for the love of god, dont touch poo.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I Wanna Be a Spy


So I just had this dream where I was a spy in Egypt, I think, and I had all these awesome machine guns and silencers and rocket launchers and shit and I had to sleep with this female spy from the other side to get information and then I got a bunch of the other spies to turn to my side and it was awesome. How do you become a spy? Do you have to major in FBI/CIA in college, cause from what I just learned from my dream, I'm really good at it and its really fun. At 31, is it too late for me to become a spy? Why did I major in Economics? stupid, STUPID! I really shoulda gone for spy. I wonder if my parents would have been pissed if I had told them that I wanted to study international espionage. I mean, they would probably have been pretty psyched about the "study" part, but the whole "never gonna see you again cause my identity has to be erased to protect national security" thing would have been a little bitter sweet.
What do spies get paid annually? Do you think they break six figures. They should, they deserve it. But what would they spend all that money on? I mean if your a really good spy, you couldn't buy a house, cause then the bad guys would know where you live, and of course having a family is out of the question. I'm pretty sure the government pays for the sports cars and martinis, so whats left? Hookers? Nah, shit, I forgot, your already a spy and who gets more tail than spies? Nobody, thats who. Maybe they invest for their retirement? I don't know if spies retire though. It seems kinda risky since super villains tend to hold grudges and they would probably send some henchmen to pop a cap in your 75 year old ass while your golfing in Florida or some shit, and that would suck.
I think we might be totally over paying all these spies, since according to my calculations, their cost of living is slim to nill, besides maybe the occasional pack of gum, which the government would probably reimburse them for anyways cause you really cant spy with bad breath.