Friday, September 12, 2008

A letter to Hova

Dear Jay-Z,
You're really awesome, but I bet you know that already.  You're better at rapping than any other rapper who is still living.  Your flow sounds as cutting edge now as it did in the 90's and probably will into the future.  You have lots of money.  You have great style and always dress well.  You have lots of awesome cars.  You used to sell lots of crack and you were really good at that too, which is pretty cool.  You hate the police cause they don't care how rich you are, they just arrest you cause your african-american, which isn't cool, but god I hate cops too, why do they have to be such dicks 
all the time.  That shit's lame.  You have slept with lots of hot women, who you mostly have little respect for, and have now settled down with Beyonce fucking Knowles, which is rad cause she is rich and hot too.  I know all this stuff because thats what all of your songs are about and thats awesome.  Just bounce.
You know, I too am a song writer.  My rapping flow sucks though, so I just sing my songs and play guitar.  Clearly I'm not as awesome as you, but I think I'm doing alright (that's "aayyiiite") .  Maybe I should follow your example and tell people how awesome I am through the magic of lyrical verse.  I'm gonna have a go at it:

Hi everybody, my name is Tyler
Thats right, Ty for short
Some people call me Ty Ty and they're mostly chicks
Speaking of girls, yeah, I've had sex
With like 7 or 8 different chicks
but who's counting? 
They were all really hot,
Except this one, but I don't feel like talkin bout her, I was drunk.
Thats right I drive a BMW
I bought it off my pops
He gave me a real good deal and its blue.
My Maxima, that he bought me too, is rustin in my drive way,
Think I'm gonna donate it.
When I was young I went to a private school,
Two in fact. uhh.
Then my parents paid for me to go to a state university
I smoked pot and drank beer and graduated with a 3.0
Had sex with two girls there, too.  yeah.
Oh, did I mention I'm a sound engineer?
Yeah, I got a real good ear even though I got minor hearing loss.  I work from home.  uhh
Uhh. One time I totally blew having a three way, what?
I drink milk.
 How many you guys used to have a retainer? 
One time I lost mine at McDonald's, 
My moms searched through the trash cans all night till she found it, yeah.
I make money every week,
It pays my rent and sometimes I pay off my credit card debt,
Some of it at least, I eat pizza,
More than twice a week.
I wear t-shirts, and button up colla shirts too
Jeans and house pants, yeah I got cargos too.
I go to the gym on the daily,
cept when I'm all hung over, then I sleep till 4, what?  what?
oh yeah, I play guitar pretty good, electric and acoustic.
My hair is short,
But it used to be real long and I watched Phish with a pony tail.
I got a 40 inch plasm
screen that is. Thats where I hit my boom blox hard,
and rock with Nico Belic too!
Uhh uhh uhh uhh.
Maybe a little Rock Band, in 5.1, ho. 360, yo.
I love my moms and my pops and yeah, they're still married,
I go home and swim all up in their pool.
They tell me they love me and I love 'em too, what?
I can't leave rock alone, this game needs me.
T to the breezey all up in your kneezes.

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