Friday, January 23, 2009

The Canadian Agenda

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe not everyone knows just what the Canadians are up too.  I thought it was common knowledge, but my good friend and housemate Tony (aka T-Bagzz) posed the question earlier today, "why do the Canadians want to blow up the sun?"  And I was like, "really guy?  You don't know this shit?"  So here is a brief explanation for anyone else who may not know the truth about Canadians.
Canadiens have always hated the sun.  They are insanely jealous because their country gets so little of its warming, loving, happy rays, since they are in complete and total darkness for 324 days a year, and 41 days of summer, when the sun comes up for nearly an hour a day, are "still pretty cloudy, ehh hoser?"  Nuking the sun has always been the Canadian's number one priority.  Hockey was just a way to distract us, using sweet-ass violence, from their solar-destruction agenda.  Global warming, code named "slippery shark", was just their back up plan to make us hate the sun as much as they do, and so, trick us into blowing up that "summumma biatch" ourselves.  Global warming was their fail safe, just incase their nuclear program never got off the ground.
Luckily for us, Al Gore saw right through their sneaky ways.  Having had a disastrous summer camp in Canada experience as a young boy (something which still makes him weep when ever asked about it in public), Al Gore "never really trusted those shifty bastards."  After inventing the intrawebs, Al Gore began conducting radical (and arguably unethical) experiments on our pale neighbors to the north, using fiber optics, gauze, and thirty weight ball bearings.  Thats when the plans for "slippery shark" began to unfold before his eyes.  Thank god we have somebody like the Gore-meister!  All hail our benevolent overlord Gore!

And check this shit out, like those shady bastards weren't fuckin with us enough, now they are making killer trees!  Thats right, with the help of their dastardly side kick, the pine beetle, the Canadians have figured out a way to create trees that actually CAUSE global warming.  I mean, like they're over consumption of coal wasn't enough.  Awww, you're cold up there in the great white north?  Put on a fucking sweater and quit your crying you hoseheads.  Yeah, thanks for Pam Anderson and Mike Meyers and all,  but what have you guys given us lately?  
I, for one, am not going to stand for it!  I purpose a boycott on all the great things that we import from Canada, like.......ahh......shit.  Do we actually import anything from up there?  Ah, fuck it.  Lets just nuke the sun and get this shit over with.

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