Sunday, May 10, 2009

I ate a whole crab



So last week I ate a whole crab. Shell and all. Not soft shell. I was in New Orleans for Jazzfest and my roommate, Tony said he would take off 30 bucks from the 100 I owed him from the night before when I bet him that guy on stage was John Cleary, when it was actually John Gros of Papa Grows Funk, who was the band we were there to see (yes, it was a really dumb bet), if I ate a crab whole. We were having a little craw fish boil in the court yard of the house we rented and we had lots of crabs, so I picked one up and ate it like a ham sandwich to the horror and amusement of my friends watching. Several people expressed their concern for my well being, and began describing the damage crab shells could do to my intestines. My response to them was to wash down the crab with a whole craw fish (which was quite easy to handle after grinding crab shell with my molars as a warm up.) For some odd reason, Tony was more impressed that I ate "crab lung" than shell. Is crab lung poisonous? Luckily, I had been drinking heavily since 10am and had eaten some vicodin as an amuse bouche, so about a half hour after feasting, I purged. (I still say it was the vicodin that made me barf and not the "crab lung")

Although I puked up much of the "crustacean burger," the past week was a little touch and go at some points. Having had drank a ridiculous amount of booze for a solid four day run, my innards were left feeling like I got a hydrochloric acid enema. I had shooting pains in my intestines about every 45 minutes and found my self on the toilet at least 12 times a day, always fearing blood on the paper, which there was on Friday, but the good news is that I'm pretty sure it was just my anus bleeding from over wiping.
Its Sunday now, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear. Would I do it again? Prolly not, but if it were my fate to bleed out from severe intestinal shredding, so be it. I've had a good run and some great times. Will I eat other dangerous, disgusting, potentially hazardous objects/concoctions for a cheap laugh in the future? Ohhh, for shizzle.
"NO ESCAAA-APE!!"

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