Things I think I think I think.

Mail-order Russian Brides and Robot Cowboys

2009-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was on facebook and I found this sweet ass mail-order Russian bride web site, and I started thinking, man, one of these would be sweet to order. Yeah, there are some things that could go wrong, but there are also so many things that could go soooo right. Its a little thing called true love, guy, ever heard of it?

I was also thinking about robot cowboys yesterday and how robot cowboys ride robot horses and shoot laser guns instead of six

shooters and how they ride off into digital sunsets, but how, contrary to popular belief, they don't fight robot indians, but in fact they actually fight giant spiders, which, if you think about it, really makes a lot of sense. I mean who else is gonna fight those giant spiders? Definitely not the robot indians cause they are too busy getting loaded on digital firewater and surely not the robot sheriff cause as everybody knows, robot sheriffs don't really exist.

So then I started thinking, man, it would be super extra sweet if they made robot Russian brides that were rechargeable and had interchangeable heads and boobs and butts and stuff. They would have to make the interchangeable parts attach really well cause it would suck if the head or something came off

while you were doing it with your robot Russian bride. I would keep my robot russian bride plugged into the recharger while I was doing her at home, you know, like a cell phone cause what if I wanted to go out and get something to eat after I was done doing it? You'd want her all charged up for public. I would also keep the switch on my robot Russian bride set to "Praise you" at all times. Also, I would keep the switch thats just bellow that always set to "Horny." I think a Russian robot bride with interchangeable parts that was set to "Praise you" and "Horny" would keep me pretty happy and satisfied for prolly a real long while.

Dear Scientists,

Hey buddies. Hows the science coming? So do you think you guy could make some Russian robot mail-order bride prototypes? I think that if you made them with interchangeable body parts and some switches that go from "Pay attention to me" to "Praise you" and another one that goes from "Mildly horny" to "Horny" and then maybe just a power switch bellow that, you could probably sell a lot of units. Now I'm not a scientist like you (although I did major in Economics, which is a social science) but I think I have a pretty good idea here. Also, if you need somebody to test drive your prototypes, I'm your man!

Sincerely,

T-Bone "Giggitty" McGillicutty

I'm in a gang.

2009-09-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I just joined a gang, and damn does it feel good to be in a gang! Joining a gang was something I never really thought I would do, what with the initiation murders and all, but joining this one was SOOOOOO easy, I just asked my buddy James if I could be in and he said sure. Some of my high school friends and I almost started a gang back at the prep school in Connecticut we went too, but it never really panned out. We were gonna be called "Los Blancos." So the gang I am in now is called "The Latin Bloodcrip Kings" which is sweet cause our name naturally affiliates us with all the major gangs on the east and west coasts so we are welcome on pretty much everybody's turf. These affiliations are also gonna come in handy when we have to defend our own turf cause we don't have any guns or sharp knives yet. What's also cool is that everybody in our gang has jobs so we don't have to rob, murder and steal to get by, but you best believe we could if we needed to!

Our gang colors are purple with yellow. Here is an example of one of the bandanas you might see us wearing:

That bandana is also sweet cause we call women, "Squirrels", so yeah, super sweet bandana, dawg. God you guys, being in a gang is so super awesome! I now feel complete.

So we have a really sweet gang sign too, which is really important for every awesome gang to have. Here it is:

I think it really illustrates just how bad ass we are as a gang, cause what's more bad ass than a five horned, seven eyed goat-man on a cross? Fucking nothing, thats what, bitches. And instead of doing that stupid hand

sign gang shit, we are just gonna

carry around pictures of this guy and flash them at people, and then they will know not to mess with the Latin Bloodcrip Kings cause they must be a really tough, bad ass gang that would prolly really mess you up if you even so much as look at them the wrong way, sucka! Shit, why didn't I join a gang sooner!?!?!?

So right now its just me and James in the gang but I bet if you ask us, we'll prolly let you in the gang as long as you are pretty much as bad ass as we are. Also, you need to be employed cause we don't like having our fellow gang members mooching off us when we go out to the club to holla at all the fine squirrels, boyee.

Thug Life.

I ate a whole crab

2009-05-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

So last week I ate a whole crab. Shell and all. Not soft shell. I was in New Orleans for Jazzfest and my roommate, Tony said he would take off 30 bucks from the 100 I owed him from the night before when I bet him that guy on stage was John Cleary, when it was actually John Gros of Papa Grows Funk, who was the band we were there to see (yes, it was a really dumb bet), if I ate a crab whole. We were having a little craw fish boil in the court yard of the house we rented and we had lots of crabs, so I picked one up and ate it like a ham sandwich to the horror and amusement of my friends watching. Several people expressed their concern for my well being, and began describing the damage crab shells could do to my intestines. My response to them was to wash down the crab with a whole craw fish (which was quite easy to handle after grinding crab shell with my molars as a warm up.) For some odd reason, Tony was more impressed that I ate "crab lung" than shell. Is crab lung poisonous? Luckily, I had been drinking heavily since 10am and had eaten some vicodin as an amuse bouche, so about a half hour after feasting, I purged. (I still say it was the vicodin that made me barf and not the "crab lung")

Although I puked up much of the "crustacean burger," the past week was a little touch and go at some points. Having had drank a ridiculous amount of booze for a solid four day run, my innards were left feeling like I got a hydrochloric acid enema. I had shooting pains in my intestines about every 45 minutes and found my self on the toilet at least 12 times a day, always fearing blood on the paper, which there was on Friday, but the good news is that I'm pretty sure it was just my anus bleeding from over wiping.

Its Sunday now, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear. Would I do it again? Prolly not, but if it were my fate to bleed out from severe intestinal shredding, so be it. I've had a good run and some great times. Will I eat other dangerous, disgusting, potentially hazardous objects/concoctions for a cheap laugh in the future? Ohhh, for shizzle.

"NO ESCAAA-APE!!"

Razorsnakes

2009-04-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

So the coolest animal on the planet is called the Razorsnake. Thats right, one word, RAZORSNAKE! Razorsnakes like to fight black panthers for fun and have been known to devour entire blue whales in one sitting. Thats right, Razorsnakes sit when they eat. The venom of Razorsnakes can melt through flesh and bone and steal and burns at a temperature 5,000 times hotter than the sun! If you were to look into the eye of a Razorsnake, your soul would explode instantaneously. The meat of a Razorsnake is so delicious that your tongue would shrivel up and die after you tasted it cause its so fucking good that you would never want to taste anything again, but only super heros and maybe Zeus could catch a Razorsnake, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Yes, Razorsnakes do have chrome scales that are often used to blind their foes with their shininess. When a Razorsnake hisses, it sounds like a thousand heavy metal guitars screaming at satan. Razorsnakes don't lay eggs, the explode into 100 baby Razorsnakes when they want to reproduce. Razorsnakes urinate cold beer. Razorsnakes make surprisingly good pets, and are great with children. If I ever make my own country, our nation animal will be the Razorsnake! Fuck bald eagles. Also, our national anthem would be mostly about Razorsnakes and would feature Jay-Z. Our national color would be Razorsnake and our flags would always be burning cause they would have pictures of Razorsnakes on them, and pictures of Razorsnakes make shit burn.

RAZORSNAKE!!!!!

Bob Hall: Canadian?

2009-02-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

So a couple days ago, my buddy, Bob Hall over there at The Daily Duffy, wrote something that I found pretty alarming. It seems that Mr. Hall may be under the influence of the Canadians, if not actually a Canadian himself! As you know, Mr. Hall, my best friend/nemesis, claims to be a super-spy, something I have always looked up to him for, ever since I have wanted to be a spy after having a dream in which I was a really awesome spy. But fuck, if he's Canadian, that really changes things. I recently wrote this letter of concern to Bob:

Hey guy,

Are you sure this is not a small town review of Ottawa Ontario? Cause your "ideas" sound a lot like those held by the Canadian agenda. Wait, wait, wait, are you a fucking canuck? That would really explain a lot, like why you like to wear jordash jeans and call everybody "hoser" and just generally do shit that was cool here in america like 20 years ago like some sort of mildly retarded little brother to the US who mom makes us play Monopoly with but then you choke on a hotel and step right on the middle of the board and then spill my rootbeer all over the bank! Why can't you get your own friends!?

Maybe you're some sort of Canadian Spy? But why would Canada need spies since they don't have any bombs or army or anything since they still rely on the queen and Great Britain for all that shit? Bob Hall, you have really sent my mind on a wild roller coaster ride with this one, and I really just wanna get off before I puke, or get hit in the head by a goose like Fabio did.

THB

I mean if Bob Hall is in fact a US super spy who is under the influence of the Canadians, then we have a big problem on our hands. Sure, I hate the sun just as much as the next red blooded American (I mean, you ever got a real bad sunburn? That shit sucks!) but blowing it up, even partially? Thats Canadian talk if you ask me.

So I just found this picture on the intrawebs of a pigeon that is a spy. Maybe we could replace the potential Canadian spies like Bob Hall with pigeons like this guy?Looks like squirrels are pretty good spies too, and I don't know about you, but I just kinda trust squirrels more than pigeons. I mean, they are warm blooded mammals and they are really fast and cute and really good with nuts so maybe they are better potential-canadian-spy replacements after all.

The Canadian Agenda

2009-01-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe not everyone knows just what the Canadians are up too. I thought it was common knowledge, but my good friend and housemate Tony (aka T-Bagzz) posed the question earlier today, "why do the Canadians want to blow up the sun?" And I was like, "really guy? You don't know this shit?" So here is a brief explanation for anyone else who may not know the truth about Canadians.

Canadiens have always hated the sun. They are insanely jealous because their country gets so little of its warming, loving, happy rays, since they are in complete and total darkness for 324 days a year, and 41 days of summer, when the sun comes up for nearly an hour a day, are "still pretty cloudy, ehh hoser?" Nuking the sun has always been the Canadian's number one priority. Hockey was just a way to distract us, using sweet-ass violence, from their solar-destruction agenda. Global warming, code named "slippery shark", was just their back up plan to make us hate the sun as much as they do, and so, trick us into blowing up that "summumma biatch" ourselves. Global warming was their fail safe, just incase their nuclear program never got off the ground.

Luckily for us, Al Gore saw right through their sneaky ways. Having had a disastrous summer camp in Canada experience as a young boy (something which still makes him weep when ever asked about it in public), Al Gore "never really trusted those shifty bastards." After inventing the intrawebs, Al Gore began conducting radical (and arguably unethical) experiments on our pale neighbors to the north, using fiber optics, gauze, and thirty weight ball bearings. Thats when the plans for "slippery shark" began to unfold before his eyes. Thank god we have somebody like the Gore-meister! All hail our benevolent overlord Gore!

And check this shit out, like those shady bastards weren't fuckin with us enough, now they are making killer trees! Thats right, with the help of their dastardly side kick, the pine beetle, the Canadians have figured out a way to create trees that actually CAUSE global warming. I mean, like they're over consumption of coal wasn't enough. Awww, you're cold up there in the great white north? Put on a fucking sweater and quit your crying you hoseheads. Yeah, thanks for Pam Anderson and Mike Meyers and all, but what have you guys given us lately?

I, for one, am not going to stand for it! I purpose a boycott on all the great things that we import from Canada, like.......ahh......shit. Do we actually import anything from up there? Ah, fuck it. Lets just nuke the sun and get this shit over with.

Lobster Head

2009-01-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

Lobster Head is universal and transcends this universe, expanding infinitely into all universes.

Lobster Head is not only beyond time and space, Lobster Head IS time and space.

Lobster Head is the Ying to your Yang (or you can be the Ying, Lobster Head really doesn't give a flying fuck.)

Lobster Head is not a religion, but it is the worship of all religions.

Although Lobster Head first presented itself to this dimension on the glorious night of November 21st 2007, Lobster Head has always, and will always be.

Lobster Head is a baby's first smile, and the first bicep Jeffery Daumer ever ate.

Lobster Head is love.

Lobster Head is hate.

To quote Dr. Egon Spengler, "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." This is what a human's first experience of Lobster Head is often like.

Yes, Lobster Head is total protonic reversal.

The most important thing to remember is that Lobster Head is forever, the rest will just fall into place.

Finally, why "Gimme Drank?" Well, shout it out loud and all of your questions will be answered.

LH4eva, bitches.

"Lobster Head forever don't you ever fuck with me!"

An Ode to Pills

2009-01-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

Oh pills, how can I truly express my love for you and all the beautiful things you do for me?

I Heart Pills

You fix my head when I'm hungover,

You always come through, over and over.

You suppress my cough when I'm congested.

I love you most when you're ingested.

You perk me up when I am sleepy,

And put me down when I can't... sleepy.

Although I've never had "the clap,"

I've heard you cure it quick and tidy.

Girls can take you to stop their babies.

I wonder if you can prevent rabies?

Sometimes I take you just for fun,

or crush you up and snort you down.

You can help my wiener when its flaccid,

You'd mellow me out when on bad acid.

You take my pain, make me feel all fuzzy.

Sometimes with booze you make me buzzy.

You pick me up when I am blue,

Make me feel better when I get the flu.

When you're filled with MDMA,

You make me feel all silly and gay. (like happy, not homosexual)

Advil is sweet, Vicodin is radder,

Cranberry juice's great for your bladder.

If I had IBS you'd sooth my colon.

I wonder if the Dude eats you before bowlin?

And if I ever get high blood pressure,

An ACE inhibitor of you will be for good measure.

Some pills calm and some pills coat,

Some even help out with water weight and bloat.

When my heart burns, you put out the fire,

Pills, I love you so much and I'm not a lier.

I love you, pills!!!

A letter to the Greys

2008-11-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

Dear guys,

What's happening? How's life up in the mother ship? You guys remember the other night when I was shining that big flash light up into the sky and sending you a message in a version of morris code that I just made up as I went along? Well I am writing you now cause I got a little worried when you guys didn't respond to my made up morris code flash light message. Is everything ok? Were you guys just too busy mutilating cattle or anal-probing trailer park people in the mid west or some shit? Just kidding, I know you guys learned all you need to know about the insides of our butts already.

So how's shit going back at your home planet in Zeta Reticula? Do you guys get back there often, or do you mostly chill out at your base on the moon or in the bases the government built for you in the mountains in Utah and Nevada and shit? Those all sound like pretty sweet digs. How's the whole DNA manipulation thing going? Have you guys figured out how to save your soles yet. I sure hope so. Made any sweet human/grey mutant babies lately? Email me a picture if you have. So I gotta run, write me back when you have a sec.

Peace in the middle east,

and stay black and on the attack.

Tyler H Brown

P.S. Could you guys please just email me back and not come to me in the middle of the night while I'm asleep, cause that shit sounds scary as fuck, unless maybe you guys could disguise your selves as some super hot and horny chicks who really wanna do it, cause that would be super cool.

Future Mobsters

2008-11-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

Oh man, so last night I had this sweet-ass dream that I was in the future mafia at this lake with this futuristic building next to it and in the future, guns were super illegal so we had these really bad-ass squirt guns that shot this mace-like fluid.

The part that sucked, though, was that all us future mobsters had totally gotten used to being sprayed with the mace-like shit, so we would just run around and shoot each other in the face and it would sting a little but nobody ever really made any ground in our future mob war. Thats when I came up with a great idea. I went up to the leader of the other mob and I was like, "dude, lets combine our forces and become one big mob and then get some real guns and just dominate this future land." He was totally down with that idea, but thats when I woke up. I have to assume that we did, infact, dominate that future land hardcore cause I mean come on, that was a really good idea.

I'm not a violent guy, but I do like guns. They're fun. Whether its squirt, bb or real-deal, its super fun to shoot shit. I really enjoy plinking cans and annihilating targets with my bb gun in the backyard. I'm a great shot. I sure am glad though that I don't have to use one for my job, like a cop or a soldier, cause that would just suck cause you would have to shoot at people and if you missed they would totally shoot at you and if you gottem' real good, then they would be dead and killing someone must be a lot to deal with. The only jobs that I would like to have that involve using a gun would be future mobster and, of course, spy. I mean, as a future mobster you probably would never really have to shoot anybody since everyone else would just have those weak-ass squirt guns with the mace-shit, and I bet you could just shoot your real gun in the air or maybe by there feet and they would be so totally scared that they would do what ever you wanted them to. As everybody knows, as a spy, you really only have to kill super-villains, who really do deserve to die anyway, and even sometimes when you think you've killed them, you find out years later that infact no, no they weren't really dead at all and that they have been plotting their revenge the whole time (muhahaha!). God, I hate super-villains.

Lyle Gorch

2008-10-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

Do you guys know this guy Lyle Gorch? I mean, what's with this guy? So this guy has been trying to get all up in my business lately and I'm like, what the fuck guy? What's your deal, buddy? This Gorch guy seems to be pretty obsessed with my buddy/enemy Bob Hall over at The Daily Duffy. I'm thinkin maybe he's even a little gay for him or something, not Tom Cruise gay for him but maybe like this kinda gay:

Which is just fine with me. I'm not about to judge Mr. Gorch if he's into drinking gasoline and getting it on with old dudes like Mr. Hall. Thats cool, to each their own, and it just means more chicks for guys like me and Jay-Z. I just don't see why he's all hating on me. Maybe he's jealous of my friendship/enemyship with Bob Hall? Dude, if thats the case, Bobby is all yours, Lyle. I never really liked the guy that much anyway, I just thought it was cool that he was a spy and then realized that it was lame cause he is such a shitty spy. I don't even hang out with him that much anymore cause his house is really getting that "old manny" smell pretty bad and that totally grosses me out cause I dont know what causes it accept maybe its just what the irrepressible advent of death smells like.

So I googled old Lyle Gorch and guess what I found? Turns out he's a "hilarious cowboy vampire." And what's more I found a photo of him in his vampiric form:

I'm not sure who that chick is, but if I had to guess I would say its either a vampire-hooker or his mom, who is also a hooker, and probably a vampire too.

I also found this picture too. I'm pretty sure thats Lyle there on the right (non-vampire) and his buddy Carl on the left.

If I'm not mistaken, this is a handsome shot of Lyle's other cohort, Jimmy, who is clearly drinking his favorite beverage, gasoline:

He's probably smiling like that cause the octane is really starting to kick in.

If you guys see any of these three dudes (or the vampire-hooker, for that matter) I highly suggest you cross to the other side of the street, but if you can stand the smell of gas and squirrel feces long enough to get a word in, can you just ask these guys, "hey guys, what's up? What's the deal? Why you gotta be all hating on my guy Tyler Brown?" Probably don't ask the vampire-hooker anything, though, cause she will probably bite you and try to drink your blood but then still make you pay for the blow job she gave you.

Meat bop and the Wild Bird of Neptune

2008-10-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Gouleeeeeeeeet!

Live From New York Its the Roc
by skaybn

A Letter to Mr. Hall

2008-10-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Bob Hall @ The Daily Duffy,

Hey guy. Whats up, buddy? I just wanted to say I think you're a really sweet spy, and I totally believed you were that gay douche Tom Cruise for a while. Sweet spying dude! (Also, incase Tom Cruise is an even better spy than he is an actor and he is now pretending to be Bob Hall pretending to be Tom Cruise before, then:

Hey bro,

I still dig you're wife's boobs, they really, really, really are sweet, but I'm pretty sure you are gay so you probably don't dig them as much as I do since they are not cock and all. Don't worry guy, I'll dig them enough for the both of us. Any way, that Bob Hall is a pretty shitty spy, huh? Yeah, fuck him. So yeah, gotta run, give your wife's left one (or Bridgett, as I call it) a little tweak for me but maybe don't make any more kids cause I think that might be a bad call for our society (unless your unborn son is going to star in the sweet-ass version of Top Gun 2, cause that would be rad).

Chillin' like Bob Dylan,

Killin' like penicillin,

Tyler Howard Brown

So Bob, what spy school did you go to, and as an alum, do you have any pull, maybe hook a brother up? Cause I would love to be able to spy like you. Maybe an internship or some shit? How bout starting me on some local tester mission, like swiping some paper's off Gavin Newsom's desk or some shit. I think I could handle that, I don't think that shitstain has any secret service or anything, so I'd be cool. Also Bob, have you seen this movie "The Gift?" Oh man, there is this one part where Katie Holmes totally shows her cans and that is a really good scene in that movie. Probably the best scene in that movie, and its a really good movie cause of that scene. Any way, rent it or get it on On-Demand or some shit and pause that part for a bit. So yeah, and any help on the spy tip would be sweet too, and I hope the gonorrhea you got from raping that chicken in Tijuana has cleared up. That shit looked like it must have itched like fuck.

Peace in the Middle East,

and stay black and on the attack.

Tyler "T-Bone" Brown

Pirate Spokesman

2008-09-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I was just reading this article and it made me think some things: "3 Pirates Believed Dead in Shootout." The first thing that struck me was "three pirates are believed dead, a U.S. defense official said Tuesday. The pirates denied the report." Since when do pirates talk to the press? Then, I stumbled upon a potential line of work that I had never even known was a possibility before: "But the pirate spokesman insisted the report was not true." Pirate spokesman? How do you think they found this guy? Craigslist? "Do you have good communication skills, a nack for conveying the ideas of a group as a whole, and are you ok with rape, pillage and murder?" Maybe they were sitting around and somebody was like "Didn't Cappin' Grey Bread's cousin Phil just get a communication's degree from that online college? Yarrg, He'd be perrrrfect." Or maybe they promoted from with in, maybe one day the captain said "Yaarrrg, Peg Leg Pete, you never shut up, so you are going to be our new pirate spokesman, says I." Being a pirate spokesman would probably be a pretty cool job cause you probably wouldn't have to swash buckle as much as the other guys, but I bet you would still get a pretty good share of the booty and the pirate hookers. If I could be a spy or a pirate spokesman I think I would still go for spy cause the chicks that you would land as a spy are definitely was hotter than the dirty pirate hookers you would bang as a pirate spokesman. Also, sometimes I get sea sick.

Tropic Thunder

2008-09-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

Oh man, have you guys seen this movie Tropic Thunder? Holy crap is that shit funny. I cried a couple times cause I was laughing so hard. That Robert Downey Jr really tears shit up. And can Tom Cruise do funny? Oh shit yeah Tom Cruise can do funny. He is funny as fuck. What an amazing actor! He can act so good that if they made a movie called "Tom Cruise is God" and Tom Cruise played the part of Tom Cruise as God, Tom Cruise would actually become God in real fucking life! All hail Tom Cruise, our new benevolent over lord!

Dear Tom Cruise,

Hey man, whats up? So I wrote some shit about you a few days back, yeah you probably remeber, and yeah, it was kinda mean. See, I totally forgot about how hard you rocked in Tropic Thunder, that shit was mint. So anyway, sorry and all, and I think your wife has real sweet boobs.

Your friend till the end,

Tyler Howard Brown

Fuck You, Tom Cruise.

2008-09-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

I think Tom Cruise is a real douche. And its too bad cause Katie Holmes is really cute and Top Gun was a sweet movie, but they are now both tainted by Tom Cruises's douchery. Do you think he sucked so bad when he was a little kid? Do you think his mom ever watched him playing in the playground, forcing the other kids to watch him go down the slide or some shit, and thought, "wow, my little boy Tom is a real douche." I bet she must have really regretted growing him in utero for nine months on that day. Do you guys think that TC realizes that he is, in fact, a total douche, or do you think he just walks around saying "god, I am so fucking cool, everybody loves me and I am so totally not a douche." Remember that movie called "The Gift" where Katie Holmes showed her boobs? That part of that movie was really cool cause I had never seen Katie Holmes's boobs before and they looked pretty sweet.

If I was an actress, I would totally show my boobs in the first movie I was in cause then if I had to show them in some other movie, it wouldn't be that big a deal cause people would have already know what they look like. Also, then when I had a boring scene in a movie people could just think back and picture in their minds how my boobs looked. That would probably totally save that movie from sucking.

Shot Vs. Stabbed

2008-09-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

I think I would rather get shot than stabbed. Don't get me wrong, getting shot has got to really suck, but there is something about the thought of getting stabbed that really freaks me out. And it also takes a lot more commitment on the part of the stabber. I mean, any punk-ass bitch can pull a trigger, but to stab somebody, you really gotta go for it. And then, if you really like your knife, you gotta pull it back out. I bet when those guys in prison stab each other with a shiv they just leave it in the dude since they can just fashion another one out of like a bar of soap or some shit. I like the phrase "to shank someone with a shiv." "Shank" can be either a noun or a verb, while "shiv" is only an object. Aww, poor shiv.

There was this one time when I was in my buddy Brendan Bloom's old VW bus and we stopped for gas and as I was getting out, I cut my finger on a piece of broken glass and I stuck my finger in my mouth to stop the bleeding. I remember taking it out to look at the cut and next thing I know I'm lying on my back with Bloom-dog over me about to give me CPR or some shit. Apparently I dropped like a ton of bricks from a standing position and hit my head on the pavement. Bloomers said I was all fishing out on the ground and he thought I was dying. Brendan's a real "can-do" kinda guy (and we love him for it), so I'm pretty sure I was about 5 seconds away from my first man-on-man kiss, which woulda sucked cause I wasn't dying, I just cant take seeing my own blood sometimes. I just pass the fuck out. Its happened on several other occasions, most notably:

At the doctor's office while getting one of those finger prick blood tests, and one time in my kitchen from a half inch paper cut on my finger. I would make a horrible cutter.

Maybe that's why I fear a good stabbing, because of the bleeding. I'm pretty sure you bleed pretty bad when you get shot too, though. I also think "I'm gonna stab you" is just such a great threat if you really want to make people think your crazy.

Speaking of which, in the "Beat It" video when those two dudes are having that tied together knife-fight-dance-thingy, why don't they just go for the other guys arm that's already tied to them? Do you think they discussed the rules before hand and agreed that was illegal? That would be my move, go for the arm your already attached too because lets face it, when your a knife-fight-dancer, the first one to bleed looses. I would probably pass out either way, though.

A letter to Hova

2008-09-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Jay-Z,

You're really awesome, but I bet you know that already. You're better at rapping than any other rapper who is still living. Your flow sounds as cutting edge now as it did in the 90's and probably will into the future. You have lots of money. You have great style and always dress well. You have lots of awesome cars. You used to sell lots of crack and you were really good at that too, which is pretty cool. You hate the police cause they don't care how rich you are, they just arrest you cause your african-american, which isn't cool, but god I hate cops too, why do they have to be such dicks

all the time. That shit's lame. You have slept with lots of hot women, who you mostly have little respect for, and have now settled down with Beyonce fucking Knowles, which is rad cause she is rich and hot too. I know all this stuff because thats what all of your songs are about and thats awesome. Just bounce.

You know, I too am a song writer. My rapping flow sucks though, so I just sing my songs and play guitar. Clearly I'm not as awesome as you, but I think I'm doing alright (that's "aayyiiite") . Maybe I should follow your example and tell people how awesome I am through the magic of lyrical verse. I'm gonna have a go at it:

Hi everybody, my name is Tyler

Thats right, Ty for short

Some people call me Ty Ty and they're mostly chicks

Speaking of girls, yeah, I've had sex

With like 7 or 8 different chicks

but who's counting?

yeah

They were all really hot,

Except this one, but I don't feel like talkin bout her, I was drunk.

What?

Thats right I drive a BMW

I bought it off my pops

He gave me a real good deal and its blue.

My Maxima, that he bought me too, is rustin in my drive way,

Think I'm gonna donate it.

Word.

When I was young I went to a private school,

Two in fact. uhh.

Then my parents paid for me to go to a state university

I smoked pot and drank beer and graduated with a 3.0

bitch.

Had sex with two girls there, too. yeah.

Oh, did I mention I'm a sound engineer?

Yeah, I got a real good ear even though I got minor hearing loss. I work from home. uhh

Uhh. One time I totally blew having a three way, what?

I drink milk.

How many you guys used to have a retainer?

One time I lost mine at McDonald's,

My moms searched through the trash cans all night till she found it, yeah.

I make money every week,

It pays my rent and sometimes I pay off my credit card debt,

Some of it at least, I eat pizza,

More than twice a week.

I wear t-shirts, and button up colla shirts too

Jeans and house pants, yeah I got cargos too.

I go to the gym on the daily,

cept when I'm all hung over, then I sleep till 4, what? what?

oh yeah, I play guitar pretty good, electric and acoustic.

My hair is short,

But it used to be real long and I watched Phish with a pony tail.

I got a 40 inch plasm

screen that is. Thats where I hit my boom blox hard,

and rock with Nico Belic too!

Uhh uhh uhh uhh.

Maybe a little Rock Band, in 5.1, ho. 360, yo.

I love my moms and my pops and yeah, they're still married,

What?

I go home and swim all up in their pool.

They tell me they love me and I love 'em too, what?

I can't leave rock alone, this game needs me.

T to the breezey all up in your kneezes.

yeah.

Portokin

2008-09-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I made up a sex act a little while back. Its called a portakin. See, you get a girl (probably have to be a prostitute for this one) and you take her into a porta potty and then she gives you a blow job while you take a dump. Pretty nasty, huh? Don't worry, I made it up, but I haven't tried it. I don't really think it would be all that enjoyable of a sex act. I mean, porta potties tend to be really hot and smell really bad too and I don't know about you, but I dont really like to have orgasms in really hot places that smell like poop.

So its probably pretty obvious, but incase you didn't grow up listening to Howard Stern, here's how I came up with this little number:

Porta Potty

Blumpkin

(aka BJ while you take a shit on the toilet)

Portakin!

Who's the dude who actually wants a blumpkin anyway? I mean yeah, taking a dump is satisfying and getting a good blowie is fun for the whole family, but I mean come on? I mean, I love Jack Daniel's and I love smooth and creamy peanut butter, but you don't see me in bars ordering whiskey creamies do you? No, you don't cause that would be fucking nasty. Right?

Oh, oh, oh!!! I also made up something else today and here it is:

WWJZD?

Thats right kids, what would Jay-Z do? Its the question you should ask yourself when ever you're faced with a tough decision or any fucking decision for that matter:

"Should I buy a pack of gum? hhhmmm....WWJZD?"

.......

"Shit yeah I'm gonna buy that gum, son! Fuck it, buy two packs. Fuck it, buy the whole fuckin lot. FUCK IT, I'm gonna buy Wrigley's and make my own fuckin gum, bitch!"

You see, what ever Jay-Z would do would be the most awesome thing that could be done, so really, what other choice is there. I'm making up some "WWJZD?" t-shirts and shit tomorrow, so if you want one, just send a twenty dollar bill to:

WWJZD? care of Tyler Brown

275A States st.

San Francisco, CA 94114

Please allow 3-6 weeks for delivery, motha fuckas!!

Pastrami

2008-09-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

What kind of an animal does pastrami come from? Its color makes me think cow, but its texture and overwhelming goodness makes me think pig. I think pastrami is a cured meat, but really only because its so salty. Maybe it just comes from a saltier animal, and also I really don't know that much about the curing process.

So I was a vegetarian for like four years. They say your supposed to feel better and healthier not eating meat, but I can tell you from experience, that's a total crock of shit. I feel better than ever now that I'm back chasing the red dragon. You see, the deal was, I stopped eating meat and my girlfriend stopped smoking. Well, she quit for like a month and I road the vegi-train for four years because I was committed. Being committed got me into the worst experience of my life last weekend. I don't wanna beat around the bush here so I'll just come out and say it.

I touched poop.

And not my own, which I coulda probably dealt with, but a strangers. You see, I was at Burning Man last friday night, tripping on two hits of e, when I decided that I needed to visit the porto potty. So I get in one, lock the door, hang up my back pack, turn around and there on the seat sat a great big messy turd. Now any normal person, at this point, would suit back up and move on to the next stall, but not me. Oh no, I was COMMITTED to doing the right thing for the greater good, and wipe that seat clean. To my horror, as I went for the second swipe at the great beast, the toilet paper slipped and the first two fingers on my right hand came in direct contact with the fecal remnant of another human being.

This was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. No amount of hand sanitizer can ever clean that kind of dirty from a man's soul. I felt like I was covered in shit from head to toe.

Fearing that my final night of my first Burning Man experience had been irreparably soiled, I proceed to eat pill after pill until the pain had subsided and I was cross-eyed. Also, the constant taunts from my comrades (things like, "hey poo-hand" and "well, at least you didnt touch any poop" and "hey man, I left something for you in the porto potty over there") really helped to lighten my mood.

So, the moral of the story: fuck being committed and for the love of god, dont touch poo.

I Wanna Be a Spy

2008-09-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

So I just had this dream where I was a spy in Egypt, I think, and I had all these awesome machine guns and silencers and rocket launchers and shit and I had to sleep with this female spy from the other side to get information and then I got a bunch of the other spies to turn to my side and it was awesome. How do you become a spy? Do you have to major in FBI/CIA in college, cause from what I just learned from my dream, I'm really good at it and its really fun. At 31, is it too late for me to become a spy? Why did I major in Economics? stupid, STUPID! I really shoulda gone for spy. I wonder if my parents would have been pissed if I had told them that I wanted to study international espionage. I mean, they would probably have been pretty psyched about the "study" part, but the whole "never gonna see you again cause my identity has to be erased to protect national security" thing would have been a little bitter sweet.

What do spies get paid annually? Do you think they break six figures. They should, they deserve it. But what would they spend all that money on? I mean if your a really good spy, you couldn't buy a house, cause then the bad guys would know where you live, and of course having a family is out of the question. I'm pretty sure the government pays for the sports cars and martinis, so whats left? Hookers? Nah, shit, I forgot, your already a spy and who gets more tail than spies? Nobody, thats who. Maybe they invest for their retirement? I don't know if spies retire though. It seems kinda risky since super villains tend to hold grudges and they would probably send some henchmen to pop a cap in your 75 year old ass while your golfing in Florida or some shit, and that would suck.

I think we might be totally over paying all these spies, since according to my calculations, their cost of living is slim to nill, besides maybe the occasional pack of gum, which the government would probably reimburse them for anyways cause you really cant spy with bad breath.

Does my house smell?

2008-08-18T16:44:00.001-07:00

Remember when you were little and you would go over to some other kid's house and it would smell like apple juice or cooked green beans or wet animal crackers, but no body was drinking apple juice or cooking green beans or wetting animal crackers? What was up with that shit? And after being there for a few hours you wouldn't really smell it any more, but the next time you went over there, sure enough, wet animal crackers.

Did you ever ask any of your friends why their house smelled like pee soup and robotussin?

Or even worse, did you ever have the fear that your house smelled like something real nasty like old milk and cabbage, but nobody had ever told you but maybe that's why no one, except that kid who just moved here from Poland, showed up for your sleep over party last Friday, even though you told every one that your mom was gonna make those really awesome English muffin pizza things? Yeah, me neither.

When I go over to other people's houses now, they really don't smell that distinct. Have I become hard of smelling? Or is it something else?

Pretty much all of the people's houses that I go to don't have kids yet, so could it be the kids who are smelly? And if it is the kids, how long does it take for the smell to really take hold of the house. Can you alter the smell that a child emanates? How large a roll does diet play? God, I would be so pissed if I came home from work one day and realized that not only would the little bundle of joy I created cost me well over a hundred grand in college tuition, but would also make my home reek like the inside of a three week old jack-o-lantern for the next eighteen years. I think I'm gonna wait a little while before I delve into fatherhood.