Friday, January 23, 2009

The Canadian Agenda

It was recently brought to my attention that maybe not everyone knows just what the Canadians are up too.  I thought it was common knowledge, but my good friend and housemate Tony (aka T-Bagzz) posed the question earlier today, "why do the Canadians want to blow up the sun?"  And I was like, "really guy?  You don't know this shit?"  So here is a brief explanation for anyone else who may not know the truth about Canadians.
Canadiens have always hated the sun.  They are insanely jealous because their country gets so little of its warming, loving, happy rays, since they are in complete and total darkness for 324 days a year, and 41 days of summer, when the sun comes up for nearly an hour a day, are "still pretty cloudy, ehh hoser?"  Nuking the sun has always been the Canadian's number one priority.  Hockey was just a way to distract us, using sweet-ass violence, from their solar-destruction agenda.  Global warming, code named "slippery shark", was just their back up plan to make us hate the sun as much as they do, and so, trick us into blowing up that "summumma biatch" ourselves.  Global warming was their fail safe, just incase their nuclear program never got off the ground.
Luckily for us, Al Gore saw right through their sneaky ways.  Having had a disastrous summer camp in Canada experience as a young boy (something which still makes him weep when ever asked about it in public), Al Gore "never really trusted those shifty bastards."  After inventing the intrawebs, Al Gore began conducting radical (and arguably unethical) experiments on our pale neighbors to the north, using fiber optics, gauze, and thirty weight ball bearings.  Thats when the plans for "slippery shark" began to unfold before his eyes.  Thank god we have somebody like the Gore-meister!  All hail our benevolent overlord Gore!

And check this shit out, like those shady bastards weren't fuckin with us enough, now they are making killer trees!  Thats right, with the help of their dastardly side kick, the pine beetle, the Canadians have figured out a way to create trees that actually CAUSE global warming.  I mean, like they're over consumption of coal wasn't enough.  Awww, you're cold up there in the great white north?  Put on a fucking sweater and quit your crying you hoseheads.  Yeah, thanks for Pam Anderson and Mike Meyers and all,  but what have you guys given us lately?  
I, for one, am not going to stand for it!  I purpose a boycott on all the great things that we import from Canada, like.......ahh......shit.  Do we actually import anything from up there?  Ah, fuck it.  Lets just nuke the sun and get this shit over with.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Lobster Head

Lobster Head is universal and transcends this universe, expanding infinitely into all universes. 
Lobster Head is not only beyond time and space, Lobster Head IS time and space. 
Lobster Head is the Ying to your Yang (or you can be the Ying, Lobster Head really doesn't give a flying fuck.) 
Lobster Head is not a religion, but it is the worship of all religions. 
Although Lobster Head first presented itself to this dimension on the glorious night of November 21st 2007, Lobster Head has always, and will always be. 
Lobster Head is a baby's first smile, and the first bicep Jeffery Daumer ever ate. 
Lobster Head is love. 
Lobster Head is hate. 
To quote Dr. Egon Spengler, "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." This is what a human's first experience of Lobster Head is often like. 
Yes, Lobster Head is total protonic reversal. 
The most important thing to remember is that Lobster Head is forever, the rest will just fall into place. 

Finally, why "Gimme Drank?" Well, shout it out loud and all of your questions will be answered.
LH4eva, bitches.
"Lobster Head forever don't you ever fuck with me!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

An Ode to Pills

Oh pills, how can I truly express my love for you and all the beautiful things you do for me?

I Heart Pills

You fix my head when I'm hungover,
You always come through, over and over.
You suppress my cough when I'm congested.
I love you most when you're ingested.
You perk me up when I am sleepy,
And put me down when I can't... sleepy.
Although I've never had "the clap,"
I've heard you cure it quick and tidy.
Girls can take you to stop their babies.
I wonder if you can prevent rabies?
Sometimes I take you just for fun,
or crush you up and snort you down.
You can help my wiener when its flaccid,
You'd mellow me out when on bad acid.
You take my pain, make me feel all fuzzy.
Sometimes with booze you make me buzzy.
You pick me up when I am blue,
Make me feel better when I get the flu.
When you're filled with MDMA,
You make me feel all silly and gay. (like happy, not homosexual)
Advil is sweet, Vicodin is radder,
Cranberry juice's great for your bladder.
If I had IBS you'd sooth my colon.
I wonder if the Dude eats you before bowlin?
And if I ever get high blood pressure,
An ACE inhibitor of you will be for good measure.
Some pills calm and some pills coat,
Some even help out with water weight and bloat.
When my heart burns, you put out the fire,
Pills, I love you so much and I'm not a lier.

I love you, pills!!!